Dust-filled sunny days

Like I said, I've been hit with waves of nostalgia these past couple of days... even when I'm brushing my teeth, washing my face, or doing anything seemingly ordinary.





I wonder why. It might be because of my period. In the past, I always had this 'homesick' feeling before my period. Not really missing my home as I had it too when I'm already at home, but something 'like' it. Nobody understood what I meant, of course... it's just this feeling.





But this time, it's slightly different... not really the 'homesick' feeling but full-out nostalgia. I could recognize this feeling... it's like something I would feel when I step into my old high school. I could even smell the air... the air of days gone by. Especially sunny, warm days. The kind where you can spy specks of dust twirling in the thick, balmy air.





And also, the smell of the air when the exams are almost over... Almost, not quite but almost there, just a few papers to go, and those that you're confident of doing well in too... I get a little of this kind of feeling. Maybe... maybe it's because, I'm nearing the end of the current 'exam' I am facing?








And because of these feelings that I have been having, I've been recalling a lot of things from all over my life... Judo days, the smell of the dojo, after training, school days of course, and the exam period, and then sometimes university, the clueless afternoons, warm sweet milk tea, then sometimes the days in Japan, and sometimes those in America, and sometimes, and quite strongly, the days in Europe... There really is something so romantic, so romantic, about Europe... I recall the cloister corridors, Monticelli and Van Gogh while wandering in Marseille








I remember also, the secondary school days when I was fourteen and sixteen, triggered by a letter I found at the back of the drawer, safe from the 'purge' I subjected my room to during one my my zen moments when I felt that I didn't want anything anymore. That was when I just returned from New York. I tore up and threw away almost all the letters I have kept from that time. After reading through some of them, one last time. I don't have that sharp an image of what I was like back then, but I could recall roughly. Some of the letters were hilarious. Many were written in classes. I still remember we really had a hell of a time not paying attention in classes. I was not a model student from year 2 onwards. Copying assignments was a way of life, and cheating in tests was a normalized skill. Nobody bats an eyelid over that, or at least among the people I knew. I was intensely scornful of 'good' students. Anyway, I made it through somehow...

In some of the letters, I was told that I wrote really well... I remember one where Serene told me I should make use of this talent and make Singapore proud, and someone else told me my poems were much more interesting than those in literature class. And the way I bound my own out-going letters were pretty creative, I couldn't recall them now but I remember I tried to always make it different. I couldn't stand normal things back then.

And many of those who wrote to me told me that somehow they could open up to me and tell me things that they don't reveal to other people. Somehow, I looked like I would understand. One told me about her family troubles and her dad having a mistress, one told me about how she is really depressed because it seems like she isn't good at anything at all, one told me about friendship troubles... well, in general secondary school was rife with friendship troubles.





Somehow, we all made it through... didn't we? I hope so... there're so many that I haven't met since then... I hope they are well.


I feel a little regret at throwing everything away... so as atonement and some sort of final note, I've written this down... hoping to remember a little of the spirit of those letters.